Every Christmas Eve is Cheesecake Eve, and so it fell upon me to once again face off against these wretched cakes.
I did not choose this. But as one of the last of my kind (Level 10 Cheesecake Mastery*), it’s my duty to walk the earth and do battle with these cakes for the greater good of mankind.
Cheesecake Mastery, first historical mention, Book of Cake:
…Ability to consume vast quantities of cheesecake.
…Higher echelons of Mastery can only be attained by besting the cake after a robust dinner, for a true Master enjoys a challenge and welcomes every opportunity to practice his skill.
For good or for ill, cheesecake mastery is the supreme expression of hedonic power and might. The art of gluttony perfected.Book of Cake, 1248 B.C, author unknown.
For all you young whippersnappers who wish to walk the way of the cheesecake master, I have stories to tell, wisdom to share, and lessons to teach. Gather around the fire and listen carefully to my words.
Cheesecake Eve of Doom II: MegaCake Attacks!
I’m going to start with the events that transpired during Cheesecake Eve of Doom II, which took place a week ago, on Christmas Eve. (Us heathens celebrate on the 24th here in the cold and unforgiving North, not the 25th.)
Let me tell you how yours truly nearly met his maker last week. It all started with the spontaneous last-minute decision to write “Like Water” late that evening, finishing around 3 AM on Friday night/Saturday morning. That would prove to be an almost fatal mistake.
Coupled with last-second Christmas presents to be purchased before catching the train at noon, that brilliant idea left me with two hours of sleep in the tank. Barely enough to keep my eyes open after the Christmas table meat feast – and that’s something I’d normally consider an appetizer. Something to warm up the taste buds before the real eating starts. But my foolish ideas made this otherwise pleasant task feel monumental…
…And then MegaCake arrived.
For someone with my skill and ability, the opponent would not have presented much of a challenge under normal conditions.
But MegaCake, weighing in at an impressive 4 lbs, was too much for me to handle in this weakened and pathetic state. Sweeping in from nowhere, it overwhelmed me with its sheer power and might. This massive beast was not the type to scheme, trick, and play mind games tricks. No…this was a warrior to the core, putting its brute strength against mine, in a fight where it had the upper hand.
A devious combination of sleep deprivation, rice pudding, salmon and cold cuts, lead to MegaCake knocking me out in the first round.
Like Bane broke Batman’s back, MegaCake wrestled me to my knees with brute strength, and delivered a crippling blow that sent me into a long slumber.
However, a True Master is not so easily bested. I was called back from the brink of defeat by the voice of an ancient entity that reminded me of my duty, instilling in me a new sense of energy and fighting spirit.
I arose from my deep slumber and sought out to take up the fight where I had left off. By the cover of the dark, I hit MegaCake with a surprise attack at 2 AM – exacted my revenge, making quick work of its remains, and restored the balance of the world. Victory was mine, in the end.
What a close call that was. I’ve grown sloppy, it seems. Perhaps this is what happens as one grows overconfident of his ability? Preparation and rest is gradually compromised, little by little, until you one day end up paying the ultimate price when something surprises you.
I think my careless behavior can be traced back to Cheesecake Eve 2010. Having conquered the Twin Cakes, I thought of myself as invincible….
Cheesecake Eve of Doom I: Twin Cakes of Terror
Cheesecake Eve 2010: The Twin Cakes
For the first time, I shall recount the events of last Christmas.
Up until now, I’ve hesitated. The powerful Cheesecake Mastery techniques that I am about to show you must not fall into the wrong hands, where they can be used for destruction and dark deeds. With great power comes great responsibility.
However, my encounter with MegaCake reminded me that I might not make it back alive one day. Thus I deem it necessary to pass on my secret techniques, for a potential successor to carry on the fight after my demise, if the time comes.
One does not simply walk up to 6 lbs of cheesecake and start eating. For a challenge of this magnitude, one must come prepared in body, mind, and spirit.
The 7 Steps to Supreme Cheesecake Mastery
To become a True Master, you must become an expert in the fundamental principles of battle. There are 7 steps to supreme mastery, and a True Master knows how to apply them swiftly and skillfully when the situation calls for it. Pay careful attention as I demonstrate them, if your life is dear to you.
1. Dress for Success
2. A Proper Warm Up
4. Engage with Full Force
Or, assume the role of a berserk, if you have a violent temperament and a streak of madness. Your reckless demeanor and untamed style will make you seem unpredictable and dangerous, instilling doubt and fear. Watch him squirm when he meets your gaze – finding only a dark abyss of madness and destruction.
Perhaps you are a trickster, relying on quick wit, foxy schemes and clever maneuvers, rather than brute force and close combat? If so, you will find it fruitful to employ Drunken Style moves to mislead and trick your enemy into underestimating you. Mistaking you for a drunk fool, will make him careless and force a foolhardy attack. Once he realizes his error, it will be much too late. Enjoy his surprised look, as you reveal your true ability – and unleash a deadly attack.
You understand now, I hope. Win the battle of minds and you will have won half the fight before it even began.
But ever once in a while, you will come across a rare and overwhelmingly powerful foe that you cannot best with your usual techniques….
5. Your Special Move
6. Feast Like a Fiend
Hmmm…The Seventh Step…no, you are not yet ready for this one yet. Fret not, my friends! Rest assured that the six techniques I’ve covered so far, will be more than sufficient to master most cheesecakes in this earthly realm – if you practice them consistently and passionately enough.
Bonus: An Ounce of Cheesecake a Day…
Last Christmas, 6 lbs. On my birthday, on my Mum’s birthday, on Easter, once during summer, on Marten’s goose, I did 3-pounders, and this Christmas I did a 4-pounder.
6 lbs + 5 x 3 lbs + 4 lbs = 25 lbs or ~ 12 kg of cheesecake in a year. If we average that out, it comes out to just about one ounce of cheesecake per day.
So, since I haven’t been sick since forever, I will conclude that an ounce of cheesecake a day keeps the doctor away.
One helluva finding, I’d say. Sure beats this 6-month randomized controlled study on soft drink consumption (ambitious and very costly), where they gave people coke (SSSD, “sucrose-sweetened soft drinks”), diet coke, skim milk, or water…and – surprise! – they found that the soda drinking group got fatter and unhealthier.
…Daily intake of SSSDs ( for 6 mo increases ectopic fat accumulation and lipids compared with milk, diet cola, and water.
This study was published three days ago.
Point being, it really boggles my mind to see that money and time is spent on answering questions that we knew the answers to decades ago. Soft drink consumption has been a particular focus these recent years and people don’t ever seem to tire of it.
“Alright now…I got this $900k grant to waste, and the money ain’t spending itself. How about this: are soft-drinks REALLY unhealthy? Let’s check this just one more time to be absolutely sure. No one’s compared coke versus diet coke AND water before, so let’s do that.”
Oh, how novel…
My cheesecake research makes a lot more sense. Plus it’s free.
A Few Words
Well, I hope everyone had a blast this Christmas, because I sure did. Lots of reading and relaxing, and less computer time, does the soul and body good. A big thanks to everyone that sent me a Christmas present, by the way. I truly appreciate it.
OK, it’s 04.20 over here and time to close up shop.
I wish all Leangains fans across the globe the very best for 2012. I have a feeling that it’s going to be a great year for all of us.
Happy New Year, guys.